One Year Makes A Difference

One year ago today, in about an hour, I put "him" on a plane. He was excited and happy to go away for a vacation and to get some help. He was leaving because he had caused a lot of stress and mayhem for a lot of people and with him gone, we would be able to put the pieces back together while he was getting the help he needed. I was frustrated because he was getting to go play, I wasn't sure if he was going to seek help out, and Hurricane "Him" leaves quite a wake.

My family spent the better part of the next 24 hours trying to keep my head above water. I was devestated. "He" had left me. I had sent him, but he had left me. And it took less than 24 hours for the entire 3 years of our marriage to unravel completely. The next afternoon, he cemented forever in my memory what he thought of me and our marriage. It was explicit and sickening to hear. One week later, we had both made efforts in seeking out a divorce.

Within the last year, I have been tried, I have been tested, and I have found out just how strong a person can be under extreme duress. I cannot say I have overcome it enough to be indifferent. But I can say that I am grateful for it. I would never change it. I might wish I could take some of the things I said back, but that is neither here nor there. I wouldn't change it because it changed me. It changed the way I look at myself, at others, and at my Heavenly Family.

I am a good person. I have worth. I may not be beautiful, but I am cute and definately not unattractive. I am happy and bubbly and vivacious. I love life. I love living. I know what is the most important thing in this world to me and I know what can be put aside if need be. I have flaws, but I have strengths too. I love to try new things where I used to be afraid. I used to be so unsatisfied with me and who I am. I used to want to change myself for others so they would like me more. I am not like that now. I am me. Take it or leave it.

Other people are important. They may be different from what is socially acceptable or they may be the most popular person in the room. Doesn't matter, each person has something to contribute. Each person that comes into your life, has an effect there. They can bring pain, yes, but most often, they can teach you things to help you learn and grow. And I've learned that the way you treat a person most often reflects the person that YOU are. We need to appreciate every person who crosses our paths because they leave a mark. Treat others as you would want to be treated and pay it forward. Even if another person doesn't respect you, you must respect them because if you don't, is that the person YOU want to be?

Most importantly, I have learned that my Heavenly Father loves me. I am His daughter and I am great in His sight. I can rely on Him for things and in situations that no one else sees or knows. He is there for me, the ulimate Comforter in times of need. Pain is minimized by this. I am grateful for Jesus Christ, my brother, who not only atoned for my sins, but for my stresses and trials and grief. He has felt all and knows what I am going through. It is through the Atonement that I can turn over trials, when they are too much to bear, to Him and allow the healing balm of love and comfort to wash over me. My Heavenly Parents and my brother, my Savior, love me. They know my imperfections. They know I struggle. They know me. And they love me anyway.

On this day, last year, I was broken. It took an army of heavenly and earthly beings to put me back together. Now, 365 days later, I'm healing. I'm not whole yet. But, I'm getting there. I am not the person I was. I'm better. I'm more. I'm grateful. I'm blessed. I'm lucky. I'm ME.

Which Austen Is It?

Warning: This will be a longer post.... What do you expect? It's been a month and a half since I blogged last! :)

Quick N.Y. Res. Update: I'm slacking on a few! No good! But, I know that I need to pick it up. And really, knowing that I need to do it is halfway to resolving it. The month of March, I read Dave Ramsey's "Total Money Makeover" and I loved it. It really lights a fire under your rump and makes you want to change your financial lifestyle. The month of April is "Summer of My German Soldier". I'm already done with it; I couldn't put it down! So good. And because I'm done early, I'm rewarding myself with reading a few other books in the next couple weeks just for extra. Gosh, I wish I had more time to read! I miss being able to do it as often as I used to.

Really, the topic I've thought to cover for this month's post has been mulling in my mind for quite some time. I've decided my life is a bit like a Jane Austen novel. However, I can't figure out which one it is or which character I am. See, if I could just figure it out, I might be able to chase the right ending to the story. Here, let me break it down in my own synopsis...

Pride & Prejudice:
I could be Elizabeth Bennett. She had a few opportunities for male suitors and turned them down, though socially discriminated for it, in an effort at waiting for love. She finds it in the form of Mr. Darcy, who, by most accounts, is virtually perfect... especially his bank account!
But, I think I more closely resemble Charlotte Lucas: She is older than most and has no prospects, until suddenly one of Elizabeth's cast off's, namely Mr. Collins (who is a right bore and someone most people would like to physically injure), decides he MUST marry and asks Charlotte instead. When she tells Elizabeth about her engagement, Elizabeth is shocked and tells Charlotte that it's crazy. Charlotte's response is one of the saddest in literary history. She tells her friend that she getting older and has become a burden to her parents. She has decided to marry Mr. Collins simply because he can provide a nice home and security for her. She ends up marrying him and while she lives with her own version of happiness, her life is completely devoid of passion and true love.

Sense & Sensibility:
There is Elinor: The elder sister who is so very practical and who puts everyone else's happiness before her own. She finds herself unexpectedly in love with a man thrown haphazardly into her life. However, this man, she finds out later, is secretly engaged to a very nice young girl who Elinor has become, against her will, a mentor to. Elinor puts this girl ahead of herself and tries to take herself out of the equation for Edward. However, by the end of the story, he comes to her, declares that he has broken off the engagement and loves her. She has been given the gift of a lifetime. In my mind, she has spent the last several hundred pages of book as a martyr.
The other heroine of our story is Marianne, Elinor's younger sister. She is lives in the moment and "lives her life out loud" in a time when it was socially acceptable for a woman to be seen and not heard. She falls desperately hard for a Mr. Willoughby who has seemingly fallen as hard for her. He is perfect for Marrianne in every way a person can be for another, until one day, he just disappears. Marrianne follows him to London to find out what's going on, only to find that he's gotten himself engaged to a girl with LOTS of money, where Marrianne has none. When it all comes down to it, Mr. Willoughby loved Marrianne, just not more than he loves money. By the end of the story, Marrianne realizes she actually DOES love her friend, the steadfast and stalwart, Colonel Brandon. He's older, not as handsome, but loves Marrianne in such a way that makes the reader almost embarrassed to intrude on. He's patient and kind and more perfect for Marrianne in ways the reader would have never guessed she needed.

Emma:
Emma Woodhouse is a caring friend to all, especially her new found friend Harriet. She has recently tried her hand at matchmaking and was successful, so she decides her new project is Harriet. She runs around trying to set Harriet up with guy after guy. One has already decided he loves Harriet, but Mr. Martin is not good enough for her by Emma's standards. They set their sights on Mr. Elton, but he decides in a comical, though disturbing, scene that he's really in love with Emma. Then, Emma finds Frank Churchill. She realizes she is supposed to be setting Harriet up, but she figures she might find some happiness in the process. Everyone wants it to happen. They are all hoping Frank and Emma will get together, that is, until Frank's secret fiancee shows up. Emma realizes that she is supposed to feel upset by this, but she also realizes that she doesn't feel anything for him in the first place. Harriet, in the meantime, has decided she has feelings for Emma's dearest friend, Mr. Knightly. As soon as this happens, Emma realizes that SHE is actually in love with Mr. Knightly and wants him for herself. So she is torn between was is good for Harriet and what she ultimately wants. Mr. Knightly goes away for awhile to get his thoughts sorted and when he comes back, Emma thinks he has chosen Harriet, but he actually has chosen her! She is overjoyed and they are married. Harriet eventually marries Mr. Martin, who she should have married to begin with. Both end up exquisitely happy and with their perfect match.

While I think I may have a little of each of our heroines, I'm feeling very much like Emma right now. Only, I really hope Mr. Knightly will show up soon because having recently thought I found him, I realized that he's a bit more like Mr. Willoughby from Sense & Sensibility. Maybe I'm Marrianne and I need to be waiting for my Colonel Brandon? I'm not sure. And I'm almost at the point of starting a Mormon convent and becoming my own version of a nun!

And while I have been doing this catharsis, I have begun to realize that in Austen's books, there is a certain amount of drama that I really think shouldn't be played out in a real life love story. I really feel like it should come naturally if it is going to come at all. I shouldn't have to try so hard, right? Take this last situation I was in, things were progressing just fine until he suddenly got weird and disappeared on me. Then, feeling like maybe he needed a little nudge, I called him out on it, in very subtle ways, and he literally vanished. Magic? I think not. Life and love shouldn't be this difficult. Should it?

I think I'm getting the hang of this...

So, I think I might actually be getting the hang of this blog thing. The other day I was sitting at work thinking, "Man, I need to write on my blog tonight, I can't wait to get off work!" How silly is that? Wow.

Quick Update: New Year's Resolutions are going great. I haven't dropped any others and I've been pretty consistent with the ones I've set. It's going fantastic!

So this month, I thought I would write about something I've been considering and I'm hoping that if I get it all out of my head, I might be able to make some sense of things...

I'm thinking of going back to school. I already have a Bachelor's degree from BYU-Idaho, but I have been thinking of going to ISU for a degree in Elementary Education with an Emphasis in English. The more I think about it and pray about it, the more sense it makes. Sure, there are plenty of reasons not to go back, but I think going actually solves more problems than it creates.

I would be able to complete about 97% of it in Idaho Falls, so I wouldn't have to move to Pocatello. I would be able to defer my student loans a little longer and actually have a job afterwards that would enable me to pay them back. I would go full time, so I would have insurance again (Yay! Being sick so much without insurance sucks!). I would have a degree that actually certifies me to DO something instead of just a generalized degree like I have now. I could teach ANYWHERE. I would have great training in the event I ever get married again and want to home school my kids (since I've always wanted to home school them anyway). It would provide an excellent atmosphere for meeting new people. And it would give me some direction in life. I've been feeling like I'm in a rut lately. Like I'm in a transition phase and can't seem to move to the next stage.

However, because I have completed one degree already, I would have to take out student loans instead of being able to apply for grants. I wouldn't be able to work an entire 40 hours a week (I don't think, but I don't know this one for sure) either, so I would have to take a little extra out to cover the extra expenses. And I would lose a lot of extra time that I have now, which is so little that I barely can call it "extra". But, I can pretty much find ways to handle all of these things.

So, in looking at this, really the direction seems clear. I've gone to the temple about it, I've prayed, I've had a blessing.... and really, they all point to the answer I've already come up with. I think I'm headed back to school this fall!!! Wow, I'm super excited! Wish me luck!

Single's Awareness Month...

Just a quick update on my New Year's Resolutions... they are actually going pretty well. Some, like I knew they would, went to the wayside. I knew ahead of time that I had set A LOT of them for myself, but I also knew that some would become less important than I originally thought. So, the most important ones are going fantastic, but some have been weeded out. And I think the most important part about setting goals and making resolutions for yourself is that you can't beat yourself up over it if you don't necessarily complete them. You can't move backward in life, only forward. Every day passes, even without your permission. So, there is no use in getting upset with myself over not completing some of my goals for last month, all I can do is try harder this month.

For example, I didn't get all of Northanger Abby read, but that is ok. I am still in the middle of it (loving it, by the way!) but I have also started a new book. It's called As Always, Dave by Jack Weyland. I'm very excited about it. I don't normally read much LDS fiction because I think that most of them are too schmoopy and idealistic. But, so far, I'm really enjoying it. I'm not going to be upset with myself for not reading Northanger Abby by the end of January, I will just continue to read it on the side. I'm always in the middle of several books at a time, so it's not a big deal for me to have it sitting there as well.

So, this month is February and it is my least favorite month. Even while I had a valentine of my own, I still didn't like it. And I really took some time to think about why. So, the following is my conclusion... read on if you dare!

I've had several serious relationships in my life so far. And I can only think of one really great Valentine's Day. It was when I was 16 or 17. My boyfriend at the time was my best friend (my best guy friend anyway). We didn't do anything super spectacular, we just spent time together and I think that he took me to dinner. But, the thing that stood out in my mind was the fact that we were together. That's all it took to make it amazing.

I hate the fact that Valentine's Day has become so commercialized. Everyone has to spend so much money to buy all sorts of ridiculous flowers and candy and stupid stuft animals. Why? What's the point? The flowers are going to die within days, if not hours, the candy just goes straight to my hips and the stuft animals just go in a box. Why spend so much money for one day? Isn't Valentine's Day supposed to be about showing the person you have chosen to be your valentine just how much you love them and why you feel that way?

A guy doesn't have to spend money on gifts, cards, or flowers for him to show me that he loves me. A guy just has to make me feel that I'm special to him. And maybe for others, gifts are the way they feel loved, but for me... it's caring words, time well spent together, and random acts of service. The next man who will be my valentine, hopefully, will be secure enough with himself and the relationship and feelings he has with and for me that he won't have to spend lots of money to show me just how much he cares. Hopefully, he will know and love me enough that he will be able to show me just how special I am by simply being with me. I have never had a "perfect" Valentine's Day, even the one 9-10 years ago was only pretty close, so I can't really say there is anything specific for him to do. I hope that when that time comes, my perfect man will know the perfect thing to do for that day.

So, until the day comes, when my Mr. Right bounds unexpectedly into my life, I celebrate Single's Awareness Day. And it is going to be perfection this year. My momma, sister and I are getting out of town, going to SLC, spending Sunday on Temple Square and enjoying the peace that comes from being a family and knowing that the love we have for each other doesn't require money to show one another, just time and energy and making each other laugh. It's simple, it's free, and it's perfect.

New Year's Resolutions

It's a new year and last year wasn't necessarily the best. So, I sat myself down right after Christmas and laid out my resolutions for 2010. Also, my boss told me something that I think is really pretty awesome. He said: "Describe this new year the way you want it to be... and so it shall be". So, 2010 is going to be awesome! I'm going to be productive and proactive. It's going to be the best year I have had in a REALLY long time.

I also thought I would list out some of my resolutions, just so it's in print, so maybe I'll take more care to make sure they happen!

1) Go to the temple at least once a month- this one is pretty self explanatory

2) Take myself out on a date once a week- I feel like I've been holding myself back from doing things I want to do simply because I have had no one to do them with, so I need to remember how to be alone

3) BLOG once a month- and really, why not? It's good for me.

4) Schedule myself a writing night once a month- I need to get my novel written and since it's been in the "process" for over a year now, I need to get with it!

5) Get at least $1500 in a savings account by the end of the year- it's always good to have a cushion and a "just in case" fund. After the credit card debt I was married to, I NEVER want a credit card!

6) Finish the Book of Mormon and D&C by the end of the year- I am in the middle of the BOM again and I need to remind myself there are other scriptures too!

7) Get my spare room unpacked and organized COMPLETELY- I haven't been completely unpacked and organized since about 2006, so I'm pretty excited to finally have no boxes and to KNOW that I'm not going to be moving in the foreseeable future

8) Get completely caught up with my scrapbooking- I have so many scrapbooks started, but not finished and I need to get those done and my most recent caught up

9) Be at home at least 3 nights a week- my dogs never see me, poor things. So, it's either get rid of them or be home more... I think we know what option won out

10) Read a book once a month I've never read before- I have a habit of reading my favorite books over and over again. And while that is good, I need to make sure the rest of my growing library is feelin' the love too. This month, I am reading Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen. We'll see how it goes.

There are more, but those are the ones I don't mind sharing.

When I was still living in Post Falls, a wonderful lady taught a lesson in church about setting goals/resolutions for yourself. I really took it to heart. Last year, I set goals and things happened in life that weren't planned, throwing off those goals. This year, it won't be that way. I have set goals for myself that depend on me, no one else, and are attainable. I'm feeling hopeful about all of them. And since we are already a week in, I can honestly report that I am doing pretty good so far. I can already see the goals that are going to take more effort. But, I'm doing great and I'm looking forward to 2010! It's going to be AMAZING!

Ode to Tyson

So, I have been waiting to update this until I felt like I've gotten to some sort of acceptance of things. My good friend, Tyson Egbert, passed away on the night of December 2nd, 2009. It came as a shock because he was only 26 and as far as anyone knew, in excellent health.

Ty was living in Rexburg, Idaho, attending BYU-Idaho. He was studying to be a Social Worker and was slated to graduate in 2010. Two weeks before he died, he posted on his Facebook page about how much he loved Heavenly Father and how grateful for the Atonement he was. He said that he knew that because of the Atonement and the ultimate sacrifice Christ made for him, Ty could again live with his Father in Heaven. It was a powerful testimony to me of Tyson's faith. It gave me goosebumps. Two weeks later, he went to bed early, complaining of a neck ache and never woke up. We still don't know the cause of death and I'm not sure if we ever will.

Tyson and I met while attending Eagle Rock Junior High and quickly fell for each other. We "went out" for 11 months. For 13 year olds, that was forever! I've been told we were the "Bennifer" of junior high. When we broke up, Ty decided he was going to hate me forever. And he did, at least until the night of high school graduation. Right before we walked across the stage to get our diplomas, he apologized. Later that night, and for a few months after, we got together and talked things out. It was so wonderful to have my friend back.

Ty went on his mission to Raleigh, North Carolina and wrote me several letters while he was gone. His testimony of the gospel grew so much during this time. At his funeral, everyone spoke of how much Ty loved to teach people. He must have been a great teacher for Heavenly Father to call him Home early to teach others on the other side.

The grief process is something, I'm coming to realize, you never fully get past. That's why they call it a process. You just learn to live with it and redirect the energy spent on anguish to something else more proactive. While I will always grieve for Ty, I know that he is in a better place doing amazing things.

Tyson taught me so much. While he was alive, he taught me how to kiss, how to care about someone else and put them ahead of yourself, how to love the Jazz and Karl Malone, how to have your heart broken, and most of all, how to forgive yourself and others around you. In death, Ty is still teaching me. For a few months before his death, Ty and I had been "going to get to together" once I got my new place in order and got my divorce final. "When life slowed down" was what I always said. Then, when the house got in order and the divorce was over, things kept coming up and I kept saying "tomorrow, I'll call him". Well, I ran out of tomorrows.

From all of this, I have learned that you can't put off until tomorrow something that should have been done yesterday. Before you know it, tomorrows don't come. You run out of time. I am trying to make a conscious effort everyday to do the things I need and want to instead of putting them off until later. If I had done that in the case of Ty, I might not have the regret of not getting to see him one more time, getting to hear his laugh, or see him smile.

Ty used to always say something to me that I am finding so pertinent right now. He used to say, "Heather, thank you for sharing yourself with me. You mean so much to me and I am so lucky to have you in my life. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with me." And now, with him gone, and realizing how much I loved him, I can say "Tyson, thank you for sharing yourself with me. Thank you for being there. Thank you for teaching me so much about life, love and loss. You have meant so very much to me. I will carry you and these lessons with me forever."


UPDATE:

I feel like I should update this post since it's been almost 4 years and this is consistently one of the most viewed of my posts. I still can't believe he's been gone that long.

Tyson actually didn't go to bed that night complaining of a neck ache, he went and took a bath. They found him the next morning in the bath. Horrific detail, I know. And I'm sorry, but I want to make sure to report the facts and do him the justice he deserves.

They did a bunch of autopsy tests and everything came back inconclusive. He wasn't sick, he didn't OD, he didn't have an overly large heart (although, figuratively speaking he did in life), nothing. He just simply died with no explanation of why or how.

And while that fact may seem astonishing and hard to understand for some, I actually find massive comfort in it. He didn't do anything wrong. He didn't take his own life. He was simply needed on the other side more by a loving Father in Heaven who needed Tyson's special gift of teaching and skill at loving others.

It took me a long time to seek out answers because I was afraid to find out exactly what happened. However, when I did, I felt incredible peace come into my heart. I know he's better off where he is, he's happier and I'm allowed to be happy too. His family told me some of the most wonderful things that they remembered him saying about me and it validated my feelings toward him. Closure came for me in the form of peace and comfort and knowledge that I was important to Tyson. Very much so.

I hope that anyone else seeking answers can find their peace with this whole ordeal too. While we miss Ty, we can hope for and look forward to the day when we get that last hug from him we dearly wish we'd been able to get in life.

It's Been A Month...

So it's been a whole month since I wrote on this, and while I feel like I should write something there hasn't really been a lot happening to talk about. Which, in and of itself, is a small miracle because while I was married life seemed to be made up solely of survival of one disaster/catastrophe to the next. So, the idea that within the last month not much has happened is actually a blessing. I will see if I can't come up with something worth reading though.

I was called this last week for 2 callings in my YSA Branch. Today, at church, they will sustain me. I have been called as the Relief Society Visiting Teaching Supervisor and as the Branch Family Home Evening Chairlady. So, I'm a little nervous about finding time for all this extra work in an already jam-packed schedule, but I know that I will find a way. Heavenly Father never asks us to do something without providing a way to make that which seems impossible possible. With His help, I know I can do it. But, I'm sure there will be many tears. :)

Next week is Thanksgiving and I'm super excited. Though not my favorite holiday (that would be Christmas and 4th of July), I sure love it. I love having family all over and spending time with them. This year, I feel I have so much to be thankful for. It's been a hectic year, but I am grateful because I feel like I have overcome and become a better person for it.

Anyway, I am sure I will write next week, and possibly figure out how to get photos on this thing soon. I hope everyone who reads this has a happy and safe Thanksgiving!