Hard Days...

Gosh, you know... it's so hard sometimes to get your thoughts organized enough to formulate words and even when words DO come, it's even harder to get them out of your head in such a way as to have them make sense on the page.

The past couple of months I've either been absent from the blogosphere or I've posted and been vague, disinterested, and slightly off. Have you noticed? Maybe not... I tried not to appear so.

Here's why...

Death sucks.

It truly does.

Even when you know that someone is going to die, it still sucks. I wish there was a way that I could describe it differently, but in my current state of mind, that's what we are getting. Me... the "vernacular ninja extraordinaire" has no other words. Give you a hint as to what my brain is struggling through?

And let me be the first to tell you, I have a testimony. I have a testimony that my loved ones and I will live again through the Atoning Sacrifice of Jesus Christ and through resurrection. I KNOW this.

That doesn't make it easier when life gives way to death in someone who has not even yet fully lived.

Back at the very end of May, my sister in law was pregnant. We saw her on Memorial Day for a big BBQ and she was very glowingly pregnant with her 3rd child. A son, who name is Logan. The next morning, she went to the doctor for a regular checkup with her doctor and there was no heartbeat. She was 2 weeks from her due date.

It was a hard day.

We went to the hospital and then to the funeral. We went to the cemetery and bid farewell to a little boy who never even got to take his first breath.

It was a hard day.

It was hard because he never got to take a step, grow a tooth, lose a tooth, fall off his bike and scrape his knee, say his first word, go to school, drive a car, go on a date, have a first kiss, have a first love, play sports, go on a mission, go to college, graduate, get married, have children of his own... etc.

When you think of all the little milestones of what makes up a life, you begin to realize just how amazing it is to watch those things happen. And the sudden realization that those will not occur in this life, is hard.

It's a hard day.

Not quite a week ago, on Labor Day, I got a phone call from my mom telling me that my cousin had been killed in a car accident late the night before. My head spun, my mouth went dry and I literally lost words. The only words coming out of my mouth were "Oh my gosh" and stutters.

As my mom started to explain what had happened, my brain took it in, but didn't believe it. I couldn't fathom how Heavenly Father had taken away a girl so vibrant with life. How in a moment, she was just... gone. Then the tears came.

It was a hard day.

Since then, every time I would think of it, I would put it out of my head because I could NOT believe that it had actually happened. My mind would not wrap around this idea that she was dead. It was impossible.

My cousin is the same age as my baby sister... 18. Her birthday is tomorrow. She would have been 19. She had just gone off to college and had been in class for a week. She came home to celebrate the long weekend, went out with friends and never came back.

And I suppose that the lessons we must all take from this horrific tragedy are not getting into a car when you know someone had been drinking, even if it had been several hours and he'd only "had one drink". Or maybe it's to ALWAYS wear your seat belt. Or maybe it's to be grateful for even the almost 19 years we got to have with her, even though it seems like too short of a time. Or, maybe it's something else all together. Those are just the obvious ones in a situation that seems so completely senseless. I don't know right now. I just know that she's gone.

She will never again come bounding through the door of Grandma JoAnn's with her megawatt grin and sassy attitude to take part in the annual pumpkin carving or Easter egg hunt. She will never again come take part in birthday parties, baptism luncheons, bridal showers, etc. She will never again be seen at weddings, baptisms, funerals, etc. The veil has been drawn and we cannot see her there.

But....

She will be there in spirit. I know this. With every fiber of my being, I KNOW that our loved ones are never completely lost from us. Just hidden from our sight for a time.

So why, today at her funeral, was it so hard? Why do we all gather in hoards to say good bye? She is not got forever, just gone for awhile.

In the meantime, we miss her. We mourn for her. And as we do so, our minds turn again to the things that will never be on this earth for her. Graduating college, getting married, having a baby, etc. Things that are major milestones in anyone's life. They are major for those around you who care about you too. Watching those things happen for your family members and friends, and sharing in their joy, is also what makes life so grand.

And instead, today, we watched Keely take her last ride as her casket was pulled gently around the cemetery in a horse drawn hearse carriage with her own two horses following after. And while it wasn't a joyous occasion, it was still momentous. I'm grateful I got to be there for it.

It's been a hard day.

And though I still cling to my faith that I will see Keely and Logan again, it's hard to think about all the things you feel like you're going to miss watching. The birthdays, the weddings, the simple everyday things that make a life a life.

My prayer is that when I look back in 20 years, I will be able to say "oh wow. See how fast time has gone? I've missed them, sure. But, I can do this. I've got this. What's another 20? It will be ok."

Comfort and peace will be given through that ultimate comforter, Jesus Christ, who not only atoned for our sins, but also for our sorrows. He knows this pain and can help bear it. That is how I plan to get through the next 20 years. And if I have a plan, the hard day doesn't seem so hard. I have a Savior who loves me and will help me get through it. Come what may, I can do it.

Here is Keely's Obituary:

http://eckersellfuneralhome.com/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=1576382&fh_id=12591